In a video uploaded on March 4th, hacker group Anonymous declared war on Donald Trump. The group said they would have declared the war sooner, but members had underestimated the amount of time it would take to reach agreement upon which three of his several thousand offensive statements were most offensive. After working tirelessly for months, as new offensive statements were added to the list daily, they placed his calling Mexicans “rapists” and his blatant mockery of a disabled reporter in the top two. Unable to reach a consensus regarding his worst insult to women, they were forced to issue a blanket condemnation of every statement with the word “women” in it.
In one of their first acts of war, they hacked Mr. Trump’s personal cell phone and social security numbers and published the information online. Surprisingly, the majority of the calls he received in the short time before authorities intervened were not from protesters, as expected, but from desperate people still hoping to appear on The Apprentice. In response to Anonymous posting his personal information online, Mr. Trump said “They call that personal information? Oh, I’ve got information much more personal than that, believe me.”
Believing him, Anonymous hacked his recent business records in search of that information. According to documents leaked by the group early this morning, Mr. Trump has recently become the sole client of formerly well-respected public relations firm Atomic Consulting. Contract details include what legal experts are calling “perhaps the longest non-disclosure clause ever written”.