Barbie Teaches Us All About How White People Are Lazy, Privileged Racists

Well, if you haven’t gotten the message from the leaders of Black Lives Matter, Arthur the mole (or whatever he is), the Sesame Street characters, or the muppets who comprise the Democratic Party, maybe Barbie can convince you that white privilege and black oppression are the most important things in America today. We always wait to form a solid opinion on what’s going on in the country until we hear from Mattel’s popular fashion doll, so we’re glad to finally get her to weigh in on this divisive topic.

Barbie jumped into the racial conversation on Wednesday when she posted a Very Special video chat with her black friend, Nikki, on YouTube. Nikki, of course, has lots of experience being discriminated against for her darker doll paint.

“There is a huge movement going on,” Barbie said. “Millions of people across the world are standing up to fight against racism, and they’re doing this because too often and for such a long time, people have been treated unfairly, and in some cases even hurt by others, because of the color of their skin.”

Nikki then shared a touching story about how she was harassed by security.

“Barbie and I had a sticker-selling contest on the beach last month. We split up and went our separate directions to see who could sell the most. While I was on the boardwalk, beach security stopped me three times. The security officer thought I was doing something bad, even though I was doing exactly the same thing that you were doing,” Nikki said.

Ah, nothing gets you woke more quickly than listening to a toy make up a story about unfair racial prejudice.

“And remember when we were going to join that French honor club at school?” she continued. “Well, I made a perfect score on the entrance test, but when the teacher, who didn’t know me at all, gave me my results, he told me I only did well because I got lucky. He said he knew I couldn’t speak French that well!”

Really? That was the best example Mattel could come up with? If you’re going to do this, why not just go all out and have Nikki claim that someone left a noose in her locker? Then in a couple of weeks, we could learn that Nikki actually put the noose there herself in an attempt to start a race war at Barbie High or whatever.

Anyway, the video concludes when Barbie explains to children what white privilege is all about.

“That means that white people get an advantage that they didn’t earn, and black people get a disadvantage that they don’t deserve!” said Barbie. “When we don’t say anything, we’re just letting it continue!”

Silence is violence, sayeth the doll.

Tune in next week when He-Man and Skeletor have a long talk about the complicated racial dynamics that have governed their decades-long feud.

Written by Andrew


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